Spinning the Fibonacci Sequence on Life
No-one does self reflection quite like the queen that is Frida.
It’s my birthday soon, birthday month just started - whoop whoop! I’ve been journaling on the concept of “ten years behind and ten years forward”. Every year when birthday time rolls around, I take a walk down the past year, the past five years, the past ten years. It’s a great way to remind myself that everything changes and that thought; that knowledge can literally keep me holding on during dark periods.
A decade past, I was not in a great place. The self hatred was pretty strong; raising two small children solo without family support and barely surviving a toxic workplace. Combined with regular Family Court appearances opposing a narcissistic ex husband, I was a rock in the ocean. Eroded by life circumstances, emotionally swinging for the fences and smoking, drinking, eating my feelings to deal with a sense of loneliness and isolation. A real clusterfuck.
Then one day happened, just one moment in time. At the time I believed the solution to all my problems would have been a new partner - honestly - probably someone to save me from myself. However I was gun shy after a series of really bad decisions with men, scared of discernment amnesia.
I realised something then and there; I really couldn’t tolerate myself - I was barely able to look myself in the eye in a mirror, let alone sit with my thoughts for any length of time.
I made a pact with myself in that moment; I was going to spend a whole year learning to love myself before I let anyone else love me.
My path was definitely not interrupted by rainbows and unicorns. Reflecting on the photos from that time period I can see now what I couldn’t then - I was so damn sad. Today I have such empathy and compassion for my younger self; her pain, her struggle and limited toolbox of coping skills and emotional regulation. I was OUT of CONTROL.
So much has happened since that decision and to be honest, I really didn’t learn true love for all parts of myself until late last year. It’s been a process, but had I not made that decision, I wouldn’t be here now, committing to writing each week, showing up 100% with my family, my work and perhaps most importantly - myself.
Committing to changing my beliefs and perceptions was difficult and confronting. Yet, had I stayed on the original path I’d bushwacked for myself ten years ago; I wouldn’t have achieved all the peace, love, connections and true joy I have cultivated and received in my life now.
We often write on big lofty goals and yes, they’re aspirational. They’re exciting and challenging and draw a crowd. Family and friends love to hear or see the progress, champion the cause and get behind us.
There is true courage in tiny choices though. Perhaps the ones that no one sees, the ones that we may feel mildly embarrassed to share. The ones that make us feel vulnerable and a big exposed. They have the power to transform us and the life we have.
I don’t know about you, but I have hit a life wall in the past that felt so enormous and unsurmountable. I remember all those years ago sitting on the edge of the bed by myself, staring at the wall and thinking;
“Is this it? Is this as good as it gets? Is this my life? This beige, shitty existence where I feel like I have no autonomy, massive debt, I’m living out the consequences of every fucking stupid decision I ever made and I’m miserable.”
“Mum and Dad - is this the life they had? Is this what I was heading towards all along?
If it is I don’t want it.”
I realised in that moment that choices lead us in one of two directions in life. We’re either spiralling upwards, or spiralling downwards like the curves of a conch shell or fractals of a flower - similar to the Fibonacci sequence.
Our decisions compound, and if we have based a life on little white lies, inauthentic communication and running from ourselves, every decision we make needs to support the act of inauthenticity to keep the story alive. To deal with the truth of our situation almost feels impossible.
However this way of living compounds every shitty decision, sending us further and further in the same direction, so we recommit to all our stories.
Until….. if we’re lucky enough - the whole fucking thing blows up one day. We lose the job, our relationship ends, the debtors come door knocking, the addiction stops helping us and people turn away.
We can then begin to make small good decisions that are based in truth and feel connected to our sense of integrity. These choices continually remind us that if we go backwards, we’re just going to get more of the same. Conversely, if we try the opposite for a while - logic dictates that we might start travelling in the other direction???
Eventually, after many “come to Jesus” moments we hit ground zero and can take a look around. The air is easier to breathe here. We can see both directions, both paths, both spirals.
For ten years now, every choice I’ve faced has been powered by the Spiral. I don’t want to go backwards ever again. Every decision I have made since that moment ten years ago has brought me closer to myself. Coming home.
I look back and am so damn proud of myself for holding on, for sitting with all the shitty decisions I made and remaking them. For feeling the shame, the vulnerability, the discomfort and doing it anyway.
Life today is far from perfect; there are crappy days, moments of stress and ill health. There are days now, (fortunately infrequently), that I can’t stand my own face in the mirror.
Yet, I know the Lisa of ten years ago couldn’t have conceived of this life I have now. I know she was gunning for it and telling herself it would get better; to just keep going. The Lisa back then was walking in the dark, only her newly forged instincts to guide her, listening to her gut and really learning to embody faith in herself. (Lots of 3rd person here - feels weird).
Every decision we make creates a foundation for our future; what we choose now, we are choosing for ourselves in the future too. Do we want to make it more difficult or joyous for our future self? Life will always serve curveballs, but we get to choose how we’re going to deal.
I have my future Lisa’s back like nothing else. I love her like I love the six year old little girl in me. We’re all in this together, a strangely beautiful human quantum experiment where we get to be all parts of ourselves all at once.
So, my key learnings from the last ten years summarised in dot point:
Own your shit. Everything else feels simplified when you do.
Consider how you want to interact with others. Be kind and boundaried around those you know aren’t good for you from the get go.
Be your own cheerleader, your own buddy. Life is hard. We are the only ones guaranteed to be with ourselves over the long haul and we’re leaving on our own.
Practice self forgiveness. We all fuck up, we all make mistakes and trying to forge a different path is hard! Shit piling on ourselves rarely helps.
“Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward. If you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down.”
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart
Thanks for reading x
If you like this post, I’d really appreciate a ‘Like’ or follow, and if you’d like to receive my weekly posts, please consider subscribing - totally free! 🧡
